


no, not you

by amaelamin



Series: hyuken tumblr prompts [4]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Hurts So Good, M/M, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 15:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7646950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaelamin/pseuds/amaelamin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>prompt: Hyuken angst please? Sanghyuk has a crush on Jaehwan but then he finds out Jaehwan actually likes Sanghyuk's best friend. Idk anything angst is good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no, not you

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on AFF on 19 may 2016.

Sanghyuk clutched the mixtape in his hand tightly as if just to remind himself that it’s still there and hadn’t gone missing somehow between the last time he checked and the ten steps towards the library he’d walked since then. _You’re going to do this. You’re going to do this. You can do this._

There’s a squeal from the corridor that branches off from the one he’s walking down and a quick glance showed him it’s an ecstatic girl receiving a ridiculous number of heart-shaped balloons from a boy – her boyfriend or secret admirer or who knows. The shape of the balloons were mirrored in the multi-coloured paper hearts pasted all over the corridor walls in cheery colours Sanghyuk felt were mocking him for every time he’d said he hated Valentine’s Day. He _did_ hate Valentine’s Day – but maybe just a little less so this year, and the reason for it had a name starting with the letter J.

Hence the mixtape, hence the jelly legs, hence the stomach full of death metal butterflies.

Jaehwan had come into his life like a whirlwind. Sanghyuk’s English teacher would be narrowing her eyes at him right then if she knew he was using that phrase; he could easily hear her voice in his head scolding him for his love of clichés. Cliché or not, it was true – first there had been Sanghyuk and Hongbin, and then there was Sanghyuk, Hongbin and Jaehwan like it had always been that way. ‘Inseparable’ came close to describing it.

So, whirlwind Jaehwan had roared into town – literally, actually, he’d moved here from Seoul – and it had taken Sanghyuk about a month to lose his heart so totally he’d wondered if he had lost his mind along with it. It was _nonsense_. But Jaehwan seemed to like spending time with him as much as he liked spending time with Jaehwan; they had the same stupid sense of humour, and they could talk and talk for so much longer than Sanghyuk had ever thought possible with another person, even with Hongbin.

_Hongbin._

Sanghyuk groaned internally. He hadn’t told Hongbin yet. He had no idea how to even start – ‘Hey, Binnie hyung, I kinda have this enormous crush on Jaehwan hyung. Yeah, I thought I was straight too. Funny, huh?’ They’d never really talked about this kind of stuff – _gay_ _stuff,_ Sanghyuk thinks, and cringes – it’s always been strictly girls, girls, girls with Hongbin. Sanghyuk had a feeling Hongbin might not be open to the idea, but he knew Jaehwan was fine with it because he’d told them before about his best friend in Seoul being gay and he’d mentioned it like it was no big deal. Sanghyuk had been shocked and not a little impressed. Jaehwan hyung was so _cool_.

“Ugh, shut up,” Sanghyuk told himself, earning him an inquisitive look from a passing classmate who assumed Sanghyuk was talking to her. He waved her away embarrassedly and hurried off.

So, basically – whether for better or worse, Sanghyuk knew Jaehwan at least wouldn’t be grossed out by Sanghyuk’s confession and start avoiding him. Whether Sanghyuk told Hongbin or not depended on the outcome – if Jaehwan turned him down Hongbin never needed to know because Sanghyuk was going to bury his feelings for Jaehwan so deeply they would never see the light of day again. Possibly he was also going to move to the mountains where he could meditate on the mystery of his sexual orientation and figure things out in peace.

If Jaehwan _didn’t_ turn him down, though… Sanghyuk swallowed, his throat dry. He wasn’t going to allow himself to hope. That Jaehwan could possibly feel the same way seemed both wildly impossible and tantalisingly within reach. It _wasn’t_ so incredible to think that Jaehwan could like him back, was it? Jaehwan was always play-flirting with him. Granted, he was like that with almost everyone, but it was easy to look at the twinkle in his eye when he was fooling around with Sanghyuk and Hongbin was rolling _his_ eyes in the background and think that: maybe. Just – _maybe_.

Sanghyuk was in front of the library. He tried not to pass out on the threshold.

He was going to meet Jaehwan at the usual table the three of them usually took, right at the back of the study area. It looked deserted – nobody, apparently, wanted to study on Valentine’s Day. Maybe the heavens had smiled down upon them and even the nerds had found dates.

Well, all the better. He didn’t want anyone overhearing them.

He made his way through the book stacks, coming across empty table after empty table as he neared the back. Just one more double stack and then –

Sanghyuk stopped, heart flying into his mouth. Without thinking he moved sideways behind the last stack in search of cover.

Jaehwan was there and already waiting. And he was carrying a heart-shaped balloon.

Still with his brain disengaged, Sanghyuk crab-walked all the way to the end of the stack until he reached the next aisle. His hands were practically shaking – what did this mean? Was the balloon for Sanghyuk? Did someone give Jaehwan the balloon on his way to the library? He drank in the sight of Jaehwan and the balloon, heart still hammering in his chest and a feral lightning rod of hope pulsing through his body. He could do this. He could make his legs and vocal chords work and be more like his normal fearless self than this lily-livered excuse for a squid currently inhabiting his body. He could walk out there and greet Jaehwan and give him the mixtape he’d made – oh, _god¸_ of all things, he’d made a _mixtape_ – and then he would find out what the balloon meant. And then would come either his emigration to the mountains or celebrations galore. He could do this –

Someone was coming.

Hongbin walked past Sanghyuk, looking straight ahead down his own aisle so he didn’t see Sanghyuk at all. He hailed Jaehwan, asking after Sanghyuk’s whereabouts – Jaehwan immediately turned ashen, his hand jerking behind him as if he could hide the balloon with his body. As it was, it only served to make it bob as if saying hello back to Hongbin, and as the balloon moved Sanghyuk got a good look at the name that was pasted onto the balloon with glittery letters.

_H-O-N-G-B-I-N_

It was suddenly hard to breathe.

Hongbin slowed to a stop, regarding the balloon with his head cocked on one side.

“Did someone ask you to pass me that?” His voice was light, playful. “I’ve gotten so many love letters and boxes of chocolate and shit today. This would be the first balloon, though. With my name on, too. Who was it?”

Hongbin was still staring at the stricken look on Jaehwan’s face when Jaehwan moaned in defeat and stuck the hand holding the balloon out at Hongbin, motioning for Hongbin to take it.

“Here. This isn’t at all what I wanted – I was just going to get Sanghyuk to stash it in your locker. It’s Valentine’s Day, you know? Shit.”

“Did – did you get Sanghyuk one too?” There’s a careful edge to Hongbin’s voice then, one that Sanghyuk didn’t hear all that often because Hongbin sailed through life on a charmed magic carpet and there weren’t many instances when he’d had to be unsure or uncertain. That moment, however, Hongbin was definitely unsure of himself.

 _Say yes,_ Sanghyuk begged silently over the thundering of his heart. _Say yes._

Jaehwan merely shook his head. He made a dejected heart with his thumb and forefinger and pretended to put it in Hongbin’s uniform shirt pocket, sighing deeply.

“Dude,” Hongbin said softly. “For real?”

Jaehwan threw his hands up in dramatic surrender. “I guess?!” He said in mock sarcasm, covering his face with his hands and moaning again.

Hongbin made a sound caught between a joyful laugh and a disbelieving snort and grabbed Jaehwan around the neck, pulling him into a fierce hug that Jaehwan was not at all prepared for. Hongbin was talking into Jaehwan’s neck as Jaehwan slowly caught on to current events, the sunshine smile on his face growing by the second and breaking Sanghyuk’s heart.

The sound of Hongbin’s voice was too muffled for Sanghyuk to hear, and it was in that moment that Sanghyuk decided enough was enough. He moved to get the hell away from his two best friends but it must have been the movement in the stacks that caught Jaehwan’s attention; he inhaled sharply and moved Hongbin away from him by the upper arms.

“Sanghyuk?”

Sanghyuk stopped in his tracks, unable to drag his eyes away from the two of them as Hongbin whirled around.

“Sanghyuk,” Hongbin repeated, fear and apprehension in his eyes.

Sanghyuk turned and ran.

*

He didn’t know how he got through the rest of the day’s lessons. At the very least the three of them were all in different years so he didn’t have classes with them – something that he bemoaned in the past was now become a small blessing.

He couldn’t stop thinking of Hongbin in Jaehwan’s arms. It replayed over and over in his mind in a sickening reel through Math, through Geography, his stomach twisting in a pain that flared hot and then bled cold through his limbs. He had never been so aware of his external and internal selves – on the outside he was calm, perhaps just a little blank; on the inside he felt dead.

He tried to reason with himself – he had been ready to be rejected, anyway. He hadn’t really expected anything to come of his confession, not _really_. But to be rejected was one thing, and to find out that not only did Jaehwan not like him but liked Hongbin and that Hongbin liked him back – it was too much. He felt like he’d stepped sideways out of his real life into a parallel universe where the one Jaehwan was holding should have been him.

Jaehwan tried to catch him right after school before Sanghyuk could grab his bike and leave for home. Sanghyuk was faster.

“Sanghyuk!” he heard Jaehwan shout after him, desperate note in his voice. He kept pedalling.

*

Tomorrow was Monday, and he’d have to face them sooner or later. He could just say he was surprised and didn’t know how to react, maybe – make up some story that they should swallow quickly enough if he managed to act generally normal around them. He could do this. He was going to do this, because he didn’t have a choice. They were his best friends.

It _hurt_.

He hadn’t let himself cry – he’d angrily dashed away the tears as they came, railing at himself for being so juvenile and crying over Jaehwan as if he was the first person to ever have their feelings unreturned. He’d get over Jaehwan soon – there were so many other people in the world. He had so many to choose from; he was spoiled for choice really. He’d find someone better than Jaehwan in every way. Handsomer, funnier, more talented. Not so loud.

He wondered if they’d spent the weekend together. Had they kissed? Were they together right this instant? _They were probably worrying about me_ , Sanghyuk thought, and a part of him felt smug about it. _Good._

He let his head fall to his desk with a thunk over the English homework he’d been staring emptily at for an hour. He wanted to crawl up into a very small ball and stay like that forever in his bed, sleeping away the months until the pain in his head and chest was gone and he didn’t feel anything for Jaehwan anymore.

His mother yelled something at him from the living room and he ignored her. Now was not the time for her to be making him do chores.

It was only when his bedroom door creaked open and a throat cleared itself with a sound he knew too well that he lifted his head with his stomach dropping to his feet and stared at Jaehwan standing in the doorway.

Jaehwan hesitantly closed the door and then stood uncomfortably by it – usually by now he’d have taken up residence on Sanghyuk’s bed, making himself at home. Sanghyuk felt the yawning chasm between them and fell apart once more.

“Hongbin’s really worried. You haven’t returned any of his calls or messages.”

And that was the very worst thing Jaehwan could have said. Not ‘I’m worried about you’ or ‘why haven’t you called or messaged me back’, but _Hongbin_. Somehow it made everything real – it all really had happened. Hot tears threatened at the back of Sanghyuk’s eyes and he furiously willed them away.

“I – I didn’t know what to say.”

“Sanghyuk, I-” Jaehwan took a step towards him, hands held out as if imploring him. “I know it was a bit of a shock, but I didn’t expect you to react this way. I mean, I know Hongbin and I are both guys and that’s not – that’s not common, but. I thought you would understand. I didn’t think you thought like that.”

“What?” Sanghyuk asked, trying to breathe shallowly enough to keep the tears at bay. He would _not_ cry in front of Jaehwan.

“You’re avoiding us because you think it’s – wrong, don’t you?”

Sanghyuk couldn’t take this. He couldn’t take the tone of accusation in Jaehwan’s voice that he knew Jaehwan was trying to disguise yet was failing terribly at doing so. _That’s_ what they thought of him?

“That’s not why,” he started, and a tear ran hot down one cheek. _Fuck._ Jaehwan’s eyes widened. “ _This_ is fucking _why_.”

Sanghyuk turned to his school bag and dug out the mixtape he had clenched tight in his hand all the way back from the library and through the next period. He held it out like a weapon towards Jaehwan.

“Take it. I made it for you, so you might as well have it. I don’t want it.”

Jaehwan took the tape with uncertain hands, eyes flicking between Sanghyuk and the gift.

“I thought you’d like this, something personal. Something that told you I took note of the music you liked and that when I heard these songs I thought of you. That I think about you all the time, actually.” Sanghyuk didn’t think he was capable of sounding so bitter. “And it was something you could hold in your hand and play in your stupid Walkman that you refuse to throw away instead of an online playlist because anyone could make one in like, five minutes-”

Sanghyuk stopped himself and took a deep breath, the tears choking him up. Jaehwan just stood there, staring.

“This is _why_ ,” Sanghyuk’s voice broke as he crossed the room to Jaehwan and kissed him. Jaehwan’s mouth under his felt nothing like what he’d imagined, countless times, and Jaehwan did not kiss back.

“Please go away,” Sanghyuk whispered as he pulled back and turned around, not able to keep looking at Jaehwan. Sanghyuk had just made everything a hundred times worse. He should have tried to smile, explain that no, of course not! Jaehwan and Hongbin were his best friends. He wasn’t homophobic at all – hah! – he wanted them to be happy. They had all his blessings. Sure, of course he was alright. Everything was fine. He was just taken aback, that’s all. No, yeah, see you tomorrow. Can’t wait.

He heard the sound of his door clicking shut softly and he knew Jaehwan had left. Somehow, he’d expected Jaehwan to put up a little more resistance.

The pain was hot, and it was raw, and it clawed inside him till it had hooks in every little crevice.

*


End file.
